Introduction to MANliness...

I think there should be a course in high school to teach suburban boys (like myself) how to do typically MANLY things. Potential lesson topics could include:

• Changing the oil of an F250
• Barbecuing the perfect steaks
• Changing a flat tire of a car
• Changing a flat tire of a car while under fire
• Growing facial hair
• Hunting
• Field stripping a gun

An advanced level course could include something like, how to fix a walking laundry machine. 

This could have come in particularly useful tonight. While almost busting a hernia laughing at reviews of the 2010 classic film, Titantic 2,  A yelled upstairs to advise me of the fact that "laundry machine is dancing!"

That's not how I remembered leaving it

My washer has this chronic issue of vibrating so much that it walks some distance. Using my graduate degree in the liberal arts, I previously diagnosed the problem to be an unlevelled machine. Apparently front loading machines have a tendency to shake violently if they are even 1 mm unlevelled. Naturally, I did not find the youtube video telling me this small fact until I had taken apart half the non-servicible parts of the machine. 

On this occasion, I figured that the levelling nut on one of the legs had loosened, leaving the machine unlevel again. So with A's assistance, I tightened up all the nuts and pushed the behemoth back into place. While quietly relieved that it was a simple fix, I finished up by reminding A that it was "no biggie," thereby reinforcing my man cred in front of an attractive woman. That's right babe, I can fix ANYTHING. 

But the truth is that I can't. And that's why I think somebody should teach the next generation of suburban boys some real skills in case they encounter something beyond a mis-levelled washing machine. 

Christmas Day!

To friends near and far, Merry Christmas to all!

lasst uns auf den Weihnachtsmarkt gehen Vancouver!

So the first week of December is over, bringing us THAT much closer to Christmas. 

And still, I  have my Halloween pumpkin at the doorstep. To update, it is still Orange and recognizably a pumpkin--but it's probably losing a lot of it's resale value by the hour. Still no takers on Craigslist...

Despite the quickly rotting pumpkin outside my door, I am actually a pretty festive holiday person. From the reruns of the Home Alone and a Charlie Brown Christmas to the sounds of Mariah Carey's Christmas covers--it's a fun time of the year.

To prove that I'm actually in season, I brought A with me to visit the Vancouver Christmas Market today. Some highlights:

That's a big...bratwurst. I put a $1 coin on the side for comparison. I had to be creative in eating it though--but I made sure A deleted the pictures lest they end up on a fetish website someday. 

It was just like being in Köln or Düsseldorf, minus Volkswagens, umlauts, orderly queues... oh and actual Germans.

But wait! They did put in a German sign. I never got to that chapter in my Learn German booklet, but I bet it stands for something very typically German. Possibly translated as, "queue up properly," or "telling jokes allowed in this area only." 

We did choose one of the coldest days in Vancouver to hit up the market. The hot fruit punch and hot apple cider helped to warm us up. And as we headed back on the skytrain, despite our runny noses and chilly toes, we both agreed that it was a great time.  

"Those flashing lights come from everywhere..."

So after dinner tonight, I was reminded by A that it was my turn to take out Mr. Dooz. I was kinda reluctant knowing full well that he hadn’t taken a dump all day and that he was likely going to make me pick up his poops somewhere along our walk. Mr. Dooz has this thing for taking his poops in the shadows. I don’t really fault him as I’d probably do the same if I had to take a dump on my street as well.  

It’s the one thing about dog ownership that I haven’t yet mastered. Especially when I consider the poops that I’m picking up is actually the output of my money (ie. Dog food) that I’m inputting into him.  It begs the question of who is actually in a leadership position when I’m walking my dog. I am picking up his crap after all.

Mr Dooz

So Mr. Dooz and I stepped off and while we were walking around the neighbourhood, it struck me that nearly every house on the block had Christmas lights already set up. We are talking sophisticated displays, everything from reindeers, elves and inflatable Santas to flashing lights that would put Times Square to shame.  We are talking like massive displays that are keeping the kid with seizures who lives down the street from coming out.

Lights. Everywhere. Then I looked back at my house and realized—we are one of the exceptions to the Christmas lights.  

Not only do I not have Christmas lights set up; I actually still have a pumpkin from Halloween still on my front door step.

Halloween Pumpkin in December?! Say WHAAT?!

Since moving into a neighbourhood full of young families, it’s been challenging keeping up with the neighbourhood spirit here. It was only after much badgering from A that I finally went to pick up a pumpkin at the store the day before Halloween. I never really saw the point, I mean, I’m spending money on this pumpkin only to chuck it out in a few days. I actually left the pumpkin out on the front doorstep hoping that it would magically turn into a pumpkin soup or muffins over the last few weeks--never happened. This, despite my suggestions to A.

As an aside,  did you know that Christmas lights were originally an American tradition? The lights are credited to Edward Johnson, an associate of Thomas Edison who hand assembled an electric line of 80 multi coloured bulbs and then wound them around a tree. (His house probably burned down the week afterwards from the half baked wiring, but they left that out) That’s the learning moment of this blog post to equip you for your next dinner party conversation.

Anyways, while walking I thought more about why people put up Christmas lights. I think it must be a WASPY thing, because we never had this many lights growing up in the hard projects of Milliken (who am I kidding).

I also concluded that for the most part they were pretty tacky looking. Lights are to Christmas decorations what McDonalds is to gourmet food. I also saw a few wreaths on doors put up which look a million times better, much classier.  And honestly, when was the last time you heard of a house burning down from a wreath? That’s right, NEVER.

Before I could conclude more opinions about the lights, Mr. Dooz stopped to sniff a spot and assumed ‘the squat.’ He laid a hefty poop, conveniently in front of one of the houses away from the street lights and without any Christmas lights set up. Boy was it was dark…

Hmm. Maybe lights aren’t a bad idea after all.

Life Experience(d) Part I

You probably think that my life as a Surburban Sheepdog is all glamour. Fast cars, hot girls, restaurants with table service, caviar. Heck, I'm probably writing this blog from my hot tub while sipping a bottle of 1876 vintage Dom Perignon Merlot Sauvignon. I won't deny it (nor confirm it).

However, it's not all sunshine, rainbows and hopscotch all the time. There have been more than a few situations this past year when I've come across situations where I wished I had listened to my stomach flu and stayed home. Those are the odd occasions when I realize that work is going to be an 18 hour day. To that end, in this post I'll share some of the things I've learned this past year of my life:

1) Being the grey man: This skill (and it is a skill) was first forged as an elementary school kid who quickly found out that putting up my hand--on balance--leads to more work than rewards. That's right, why don't I give up my recess to help move these dusty boxes down to the music room. Nah. Nowadays, I've realized that if there's an extra duty required, it's important to IMMEDIATELY cease movement and break eye contact. This works particularly well in a group setting and is predicated on the fact that people (ie. supervisor, teacher, wife, etc) are particularly drawn to movement. This is a tried and true method.

Second, I've discovered that I never want to sit at the absolute front of the room, but on the contrary, it's never good to sit at the back of the room. The middle of the room--preferably beside the guy who looks most similar to me, that's my target spot.

2) Being the star employee/student: Being the grey man is well and good, but I've learned it's also important to stand out on occasion. After all, you don't win an Emmy from being the ensign with the red uniform on the Enterprise. It's a fine balancing act between being outspoken and folks misinterpreting that as arrogance, pretentiousness or other big negative words. I find out that standing out requires some research to know the metrics on which I'm being measured and particularly focusing efforts on those areas. This is easier said than done, because quite often in the workplace we are bombarded with a bunch of extra duties.

Example: I once had a job where I had to generate leads for a carpet cleaning company. My boss basically figured my productivity based on how many names I had accrued on the sheet at the end of the day. So yes, although my job was to promote the carpet cleaning service and try to get people to buy the service, I was actually just measured on how many names I had written down. Suffice to say, I got as many people (regardless of their interest level) to give me their names and phone numbers. I was a legend in my boss's mind that summer.

On the other hand, old people were getting sales calls for carpet cleaning services months afterwards... but I digress.

3) The importance of the file folder and/or notebook: I've learned this past year that it's always good to have a notebook on hand. In a workshop or presentation at work, it's always good to have a blank notebook in front of me, flipped to a blank page. It gives the presenter the impression that you're really into their presentation--even if I'm thinking more about my upcoming cruise to Tahiti or the last House of Cards episode (Frank Underwood YOU ARE SUCH A SNAKE!!).

This same principle also works for walking around the office. I always aim to have a file folder with papers in hand when walking around. It gives the definite impression that you've got a lot of work on the go and I've found in my experience it helps to deflect from additional chores (see Point 1). Nobody ever wants to bother the guy who has a pile of paper that he's gotta deal with.

The above three points alone have worked wonders in allowing me to leave school or work on time; they've also probably deflected a fair number of opportunities for promotion. So if a Rhodes scholarship, Nobel Prize or a Congressional Medal of Honour is on the agenda--I'd probably disregard points 1-3.

The Neighbourhood Strange Guy™

My neighbourhood crackles alive in the mornings.

It’s your typical scene with the sounds of car engines cranking, kids chasing the school bus and grown ups running late for work. And cars racing back to freshly closed garaged doors when their drivers realize they’ve forgotten items. It’s your typical suburban neighbourhood, not all that different from the neighbourhood where I grew up.

Then there’s also the weird guy who seems to saunter around the neighbourhood all day and do stuff around the house when everyone ought to be at work. He’s marginally creepy simple by virtue of his seeming idleness throughout the day.

Then it hit me recently—I’ve become THAT guy. The Neighbourhood Strange Guy™

 My neighbours must have wondered for the longest time what I do for a living—they probably still do. A few years ago, if I were in their shoes, I would have probably concluded one of the following:

1. Unemployed guy (probably scamming employment insurance or disability) 
2. Moderately successful drug dealer (or unsuccessful drug dealer if one looked only at the 10 year old car in the barn) 
3. Inheritor of a large inheritance or claimant in a successful lawsuit. 

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I’m none of the above. I’m actually a shift worker.

I don’t work the typical Monday to Friday, 9-5. Instead my typical work week consists of two long days, two long nights and a long stretch of days off. As you suspect, the days are long and the nights are long, but it’s a great schedule.

Drawbacks

Sure there are the downsides. First, I do work a fair number of weekends and holidays. Last few years, it just happened that I worked Christmas Day, New Years Day among other special days. While family and friends are caught up in a game of Mario Party 9 for Wii, I’m out there putting out society’s brushfires.

That’s my glamorous way of saying I spend a lot of time on holidays and weekends trying to figure out why the copier in the office says there’s a paper jam when there isn’t a paper jam! But hey, it’s wonderful because although I work ‘off hours,’ our computer help desk seems to work regular bankers hours. 

Second, whether I’m working a dayshift or a nightshift, I end up working in the dead of morning. Mornings and I have had a love-hate relationship (more hate) ever since my days in university—heck, I’d say my days since I had to get up to catch the school bus as a elementary school kid. So whether I’m working days or nights, I’m usually conscious at 5am. Granted, waking up at 5am is a lot tougher than ending the day around that time.

Third, working long shifts and an irregular schedule can be unhealthy. Think about the restaurants that  are open 24 hours. If I don’t pack lunch one night, I usually have to resolve myself to gourmet fare at a restaurant that starts with an “D” and rhymes with “hennys.” There have been studies done in the past which say that working nights prevent the body’s production of melatonin which inhibit the development of cancer cells. Others smarter than me have actually labeled shift work as a carcinogen.

Despite those downsides, there’s also a lot of upsides to working shifts.

Advantages

Naturally, since my work week consists of several long shifts in a row, I get a stretch of four days off each week. It’s like a long weekend—every weekend! It’s particularly great for planning vacations, as taking the equivalent of a week off at work ends up yielding a stretch of 12 days off. For a break last summer, I took the equivalent of two and half weeks off at work and ended up off from work for almost a month. I'd love to say that I spent the morning that first day getting back checking my email--but it would be more accurate to say that I spent that time instead trying to recover the passwords I forgot, in order to log into my email.

Even though I was off for a month, the copier still jammed up as normal when I got back. Somebody get that thing a new drum or toner or something.

Second, working shifts allows gives me many weekdays off at home. It’s great, I go to the gym during the work days and feel super macho since I’m working out surrounded by seniors. Or if I fancy, I can go to the supermarket and hang out with the stay at home Mom’s picking up groceries for dinner. If not, I could just stay at home, wash the car and reinforce my profile as the unemployed guy. Really, the opportunities are endless.

Finally, I get to work at night. Initially, I thought this would be a big disadvantage. But in my job, I have the opportunity to spend a lot of time outside, especially in the dead of night. It’s refreshing to be able to stand outside and take in the serenity of the night while standing in places which would normally bustle with cars and people during the day. Something as simple as an empty parking lot takes on a different character under the glare of street lamps and void of cars or people.

Or atleast void of most people. The guy who breaks into your neighbour's car at night--he works nights too.

In conclusion, I’m a shift worker. Idon’t think I’d trade it for bankers hours (not yet anyways). So for the time being, I'll remain the neighbourhood unemployed guy.