Life Experience(d) Part I

You probably think that my life as a Surburban Sheepdog is all glamour. Fast cars, hot girls, restaurants with table service, caviar. Heck, I'm probably writing this blog from my hot tub while sipping a bottle of 1876 vintage Dom Perignon Merlot Sauvignon. I won't deny it (nor confirm it).

However, it's not all sunshine, rainbows and hopscotch all the time. There have been more than a few situations this past year when I've come across situations where I wished I had listened to my stomach flu and stayed home. Those are the odd occasions when I realize that work is going to be an 18 hour day. To that end, in this post I'll share some of the things I've learned this past year of my life:

1) Being the grey man: This skill (and it is a skill) was first forged as an elementary school kid who quickly found out that putting up my hand--on balance--leads to more work than rewards. That's right, why don't I give up my recess to help move these dusty boxes down to the music room. Nah. Nowadays, I've realized that if there's an extra duty required, it's important to IMMEDIATELY cease movement and break eye contact. This works particularly well in a group setting and is predicated on the fact that people (ie. supervisor, teacher, wife, etc) are particularly drawn to movement. This is a tried and true method.

Second, I've discovered that I never want to sit at the absolute front of the room, but on the contrary, it's never good to sit at the back of the room. The middle of the room--preferably beside the guy who looks most similar to me, that's my target spot.

2) Being the star employee/student: Being the grey man is well and good, but I've learned it's also important to stand out on occasion. After all, you don't win an Emmy from being the ensign with the red uniform on the Enterprise. It's a fine balancing act between being outspoken and folks misinterpreting that as arrogance, pretentiousness or other big negative words. I find out that standing out requires some research to know the metrics on which I'm being measured and particularly focusing efforts on those areas. This is easier said than done, because quite often in the workplace we are bombarded with a bunch of extra duties.

Example: I once had a job where I had to generate leads for a carpet cleaning company. My boss basically figured my productivity based on how many names I had accrued on the sheet at the end of the day. So yes, although my job was to promote the carpet cleaning service and try to get people to buy the service, I was actually just measured on how many names I had written down. Suffice to say, I got as many people (regardless of their interest level) to give me their names and phone numbers. I was a legend in my boss's mind that summer.

On the other hand, old people were getting sales calls for carpet cleaning services months afterwards... but I digress.

3) The importance of the file folder and/or notebook: I've learned this past year that it's always good to have a notebook on hand. In a workshop or presentation at work, it's always good to have a blank notebook in front of me, flipped to a blank page. It gives the presenter the impression that you're really into their presentation--even if I'm thinking more about my upcoming cruise to Tahiti or the last House of Cards episode (Frank Underwood YOU ARE SUCH A SNAKE!!).

This same principle also works for walking around the office. I always aim to have a file folder with papers in hand when walking around. It gives the definite impression that you've got a lot of work on the go and I've found in my experience it helps to deflect from additional chores (see Point 1). Nobody ever wants to bother the guy who has a pile of paper that he's gotta deal with.

The above three points alone have worked wonders in allowing me to leave school or work on time; they've also probably deflected a fair number of opportunities for promotion. So if a Rhodes scholarship, Nobel Prize or a Congressional Medal of Honour is on the agenda--I'd probably disregard points 1-3.

The Neighbourhood Strange Guy™

My neighbourhood crackles alive in the mornings.

It’s your typical scene with the sounds of car engines cranking, kids chasing the school bus and grown ups running late for work. And cars racing back to freshly closed garaged doors when their drivers realize they’ve forgotten items. It’s your typical suburban neighbourhood, not all that different from the neighbourhood where I grew up.

Then there’s also the weird guy who seems to saunter around the neighbourhood all day and do stuff around the house when everyone ought to be at work. He’s marginally creepy simple by virtue of his seeming idleness throughout the day.

Then it hit me recently—I’ve become THAT guy. The Neighbourhood Strange Guy™

 My neighbours must have wondered for the longest time what I do for a living—they probably still do. A few years ago, if I were in their shoes, I would have probably concluded one of the following:

1. Unemployed guy (probably scamming employment insurance or disability) 
2. Moderately successful drug dealer (or unsuccessful drug dealer if one looked only at the 10 year old car in the barn) 
3. Inheritor of a large inheritance or claimant in a successful lawsuit. 

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I’m none of the above. I’m actually a shift worker.

I don’t work the typical Monday to Friday, 9-5. Instead my typical work week consists of two long days, two long nights and a long stretch of days off. As you suspect, the days are long and the nights are long, but it’s a great schedule.

Drawbacks

Sure there are the downsides. First, I do work a fair number of weekends and holidays. Last few years, it just happened that I worked Christmas Day, New Years Day among other special days. While family and friends are caught up in a game of Mario Party 9 for Wii, I’m out there putting out society’s brushfires.

That’s my glamorous way of saying I spend a lot of time on holidays and weekends trying to figure out why the copier in the office says there’s a paper jam when there isn’t a paper jam! But hey, it’s wonderful because although I work ‘off hours,’ our computer help desk seems to work regular bankers hours. 

Second, whether I’m working a dayshift or a nightshift, I end up working in the dead of morning. Mornings and I have had a love-hate relationship (more hate) ever since my days in university—heck, I’d say my days since I had to get up to catch the school bus as a elementary school kid. So whether I’m working days or nights, I’m usually conscious at 5am. Granted, waking up at 5am is a lot tougher than ending the day around that time.

Third, working long shifts and an irregular schedule can be unhealthy. Think about the restaurants that  are open 24 hours. If I don’t pack lunch one night, I usually have to resolve myself to gourmet fare at a restaurant that starts with an “D” and rhymes with “hennys.” There have been studies done in the past which say that working nights prevent the body’s production of melatonin which inhibit the development of cancer cells. Others smarter than me have actually labeled shift work as a carcinogen.

Despite those downsides, there’s also a lot of upsides to working shifts.

Advantages

Naturally, since my work week consists of several long shifts in a row, I get a stretch of four days off each week. It’s like a long weekend—every weekend! It’s particularly great for planning vacations, as taking the equivalent of a week off at work ends up yielding a stretch of 12 days off. For a break last summer, I took the equivalent of two and half weeks off at work and ended up off from work for almost a month. I'd love to say that I spent the morning that first day getting back checking my email--but it would be more accurate to say that I spent that time instead trying to recover the passwords I forgot, in order to log into my email.

Even though I was off for a month, the copier still jammed up as normal when I got back. Somebody get that thing a new drum or toner or something.

Second, working shifts allows gives me many weekdays off at home. It’s great, I go to the gym during the work days and feel super macho since I’m working out surrounded by seniors. Or if I fancy, I can go to the supermarket and hang out with the stay at home Mom’s picking up groceries for dinner. If not, I could just stay at home, wash the car and reinforce my profile as the unemployed guy. Really, the opportunities are endless.

Finally, I get to work at night. Initially, I thought this would be a big disadvantage. But in my job, I have the opportunity to spend a lot of time outside, especially in the dead of night. It’s refreshing to be able to stand outside and take in the serenity of the night while standing in places which would normally bustle with cars and people during the day. Something as simple as an empty parking lot takes on a different character under the glare of street lamps and void of cars or people.

Or atleast void of most people. The guy who breaks into your neighbour's car at night--he works nights too.

In conclusion, I’m a shift worker. Idon’t think I’d trade it for bankers hours (not yet anyways). So for the time being, I'll remain the neighbourhood unemployed guy.